My name is Tamar, I'm 16 and this is where I say what I want to say you dumb African
"Life it’s self is only a vision, a dream, nothing exists in an empty space. And you... you are nothing but a thought. "

So today was a shitty day...
My mind is thinking about him and I can't stop... the things my brain can come up with is ridiculous.
He's really annoyed and pissed at me because I'm "blowing up his phone"... I'm sorry, I thought that was me caring about you and trying to find out if you're okay since you were "going to kill someone" last night. Is it my fault I want to just talk to you? You've ignored me and been doing something this whole week... we haven't spoken and now ALL A SUDDEN it's so hard for you to be with me after 9 months of doing amazing together? I swear it's because his grandparents left... he's acting like he can do whatever he wants. He throws 2 parties and he's suddenly so busy. After 1 week of not talking and doing the stuff he's done it's suddenly "It's so hard to be with you, you live so far away, and I’m so busy" YOU CALL ME ONCE EVERY NIGHT, before you go to bed... how is that you being too busy to talk?
Whatever... I highly doubt he's going to call me tonight... I know he's not. To be honest... I don't think he's going to call me ever again... we're not going to talk about this... I just feel it. This is how it's going to end between us...
He won’t even try...he told me in the beginning of our relationship that if he breaks up with me or w/e and for whatever reason for me to try for a month or so to get back with him... but at this point... I don't want to try because I feel like he doesn't want me to... I feel like he hates me and I don't know what I've done...He says the whole Justice thing broke his heart or w/e... he acts like I wasn't hurt from that too.. Justice didn't break my heart because of w/e... he broke it because it broke his and fucked me and him up... I don't know what to say anymore or what to do... He won’t talk to me... all I've been doing is crying and crying and I can't stop... my heart doesn't want to let him go... I just want to know what I've done so wrong... why won’t he talk to me and why won’t he try... I thought seeing him would finally solve all of our problems... we would see each other and we would stop fighting and everything would good again... But I guess I was wrong...again.
Anyways, I’ve been getting yelled at and kept getting into trouble at school, then when I asked my brother to come pick me up because I didn’t feel good, which I really don’t, he snapes on me and says “there’s always something with you. Oh my head hurts, ohh I feel sick. Like you have a half hour left” the rest I can’t remember, so I went back to class but couldn’t stand it so I left and while I was walking home, I was crossing the street and I get hit by a car… It wasn’t bad, obviously, but it fucking hurt. I was crossing, and I’m TELLING you, there we not fucking cars, I don’t know whatever, so I was crossing and then I turn to my left and I see a car coming at me and before I could move I get hit. My head hits the windshield and my body like hit the hood or whatever then fell to the floor. The guy comes out and starts apologizing, I just get up and say I’m fine or w/e and he’s like” I’ll take you to the hospital”, I giggle and was like, “I’m not bleeding bud, it’s okay, I’m fine” and we talk for a bit he’s making sure I was okay, I kept saying I was fine after maybe 10 minutes we leave or w/e… then I get home and here I am? My side is fucked up and I have a headache and a bump on my head, I can barely walk…. Like I’m already weak as fuck as it is… whatever.


RATxo

Me and Sarkis broke up again.
This time we're not getting back together... I guess...
I'm probably going to delete him off my facebook, delete all the texts and pictures, give back anything that will remind me of him and get over him and move on with my life. I'll only let him talk to me if he really needs someone... and only as a friend. No one understands the amount of pain I have in my heart right now.
He wrote on my phone cover his initials "ST"...I wrote "start with love" to cover it up...This whole thing hurts more than anything he's ever done to me... And what hurts the most... is the fact that I have no one to talk to... I have no one...everyone is sick of hearing about him.. I have all these secrets locked up inside my heart and I just want to go to someone and let them out. I wish I could write them here... but I can't.
During march break I'm going to go up there for the day and give him his painting, his shirt, drumsticks, anything he's given me. I can't give him the shoes he bought me, but I'll give him money for them.
The main reason I want to kill myself is because I can't handle this pain. He's not the only reason I want to die... all the other bullshit in my life adds up too... I'm so tired of being hurt when all I do is put my heart into everyone.
Whatever, I'm worthless and have no use for this earth but that's the way my life is.

RATxo

I wrote this while I was under the stars. It was a beautiful night and the words just flew out of me :)... I hope you like it :p

Night Air.
Have you ever stood under the dark sky and felt the midnight air? I can smell the sea salt, it’s so sweet reminding me of a calmer day.
Did you ever wonder if the sky was the Ocean? And the stars are the fishes in them? A new type of mystery we cannot figure out.
Hey, did you ever stop and listen to the birds sing their sweet song to you, or look twice at the flower blowing calmly in the steady breeze?
I think it's time we stopped and listened to the music of the world.
Have you stayed out for hours just staring at the stars? Have some patience and you’ll see the colours of the sky.
Count the stars up; they add up to something, an equation of miracles, a sum of love, the supplement of hopes and dreams, lost.
My tired eyes refuse to close, because there is just too much beauty to behold.

Long time no talk lol.
I don't want to explain what happen with people and shit, it's not important, whole point is me and Sarkis are back together...

February 27th was the day I met Sarkis, so I "celebrated" that by getting into a big fight with him and ended up not talking to him because he never called, I ended up getting drunk then calling him, he was half asleep while I balled my eyes out and told him stuff. On March 3rd, which is tomorrow, it will be the day he first told me he loved me and on March 17th is our one year anniversary... I'm going to try and see him for march break, we haven't seen each other for 6 months. Since October I have not seen my boyfriend. It's hard and I have this huge anxiety on my chest because I miss him so much. It's the worst missing someone... especially when you're in a long distance relationship... it hurts and it fucking sucks. I've never wanted someones touch so badly in my life... like... I want his arms around me more than his lips on mine... I literally just want to be held for hours when I see him, I don't want him to let go. He hurts me, yes, sometimes we don't know why we bother with each other, we fight, a lot, we argue, he pisses me off so much that I want to kill him or just cut him from my life... yet... through all the negative... I can't see myself with anyone else. I don't see anyone loving me the way he does... touching me the way he does... I just can't. I know I annoy people when I talk about him, and everyone is probably fed up about hearing him... well I'm sorry... but he's the only significant thing in my life... other than him, I've got nothing to say.

Anyways, On feburary 27th, it was also the day my mom left for Lebanon, she'll be gone for a month. Things so far are going great, my dad is actually being nice, he's cooking which is a shock, I don't know, not much to say there lol.

I want to say more about the Sarkis... but at the same time I don't lol... I'll say this though... something isn't sitting right with me right now. I feel like he's hiding something from me, or doing something with another girl... it's the same feeling I got on Halloween.. and some of us know what happen then... I was right about what was going to happen, I knew something was going to happen, and what happen? exactly what I thought would happen... it's the same feeling, and really and truly, I don't like it. There's so much I could say... but I can't... unfortunately.


RATxo