My name is Tamar, I'm 16 and this is where I say what I want to say you dumb African
"Life it’s self is only a vision, a dream, nothing exists in an empty space. And you... you are nothing but a thought. "

I don’t want to go into details right now, I’m tired. I’ve been up all night again, this time because I was thinking about my once best friend Alisha. Yesterday we were suppose to chill, we had it all planed out. During the day Jolanta texts me and asks me to come out, I’m like sure I’ll come chill, I’ll bring Alisha and we can all chill like we used to. But then she tells me how she spent the night at Elysia’s house and how her mom wants her to stay home. I was pissed but I’m like fuck it whatever I’m not going to let this bug me because really, I’ve pretty much gotten used to her flopping on me. After a while me, Jolanta, and Marcy were drinking and were all buzzing and shit so we go too west wood cause we needed to get cash back and shit and were walking through food basic and I see Alisha’s mom so I say Hi and then her mom comes out of her cash and asks me where Alisha is, I say she’s not with me, then she asks “oh, did she just leave?” I’m like “No, she was never with us or me.” her mom got a little worried and shit and basically it seemed like her mom was letting her go out. And seriously Alisha is allowed to go out anywhere when she says she’s going to be with me, so I don’t understand why Alisha has to be a fucking bitch and lying. Whatever back to the point, after we talked a little more, I can’t remember the conversation right now, but we leave and I’m like “Okay so basically she’s allowed to be out, so I’m going to text her and see if she’s at home” I text, no answer, so I call, many, many times. Tell me why once I FINALLY get an answer, Daniel (her boyfriend) answers the fucking phone. After that I was just pissed. After a while of detail I’m not getting into lol, we walk to Alisha’s house. Me, Jo, and Marcy. We get there and guess what. THE BITCH ISN’T FUCKING THERE. I call her cell again, and again Daniel answers the phone and he said how she was with him and she’s waiting on the other side of the park for him, I ask the one behind Elysia’s house and he says yes. I say thanks and whatever and hang up. After a while I get a text from her saying how he came to her house and there just going for a walk or whatever. Like I don’t understand why she’s still lying to me. After a long ass time I see in Elysia’s statues on Facebook “I know Alisha wants to guzzle my gas” or something like that. So clearly she was with her. While I was still with Jolanta and Marcy I tried to call her, I texted her. She sent nothing back to me. That’s basically it I guess. But you guys have no idea how hurt I am. I can’t stop crying, or thinking about it. I treat her with so much respect and love and I care. I try and help her, I’m there through EVERYTHING I’M the one who’s there and this is how she treats me. Lies to my face even though she KNOWS I hate it. Like I’m balling my eyes out right now trying this because it just hurts so much. I don’t understand what she’s thinking or what she’s doing and it hurts so god damn much. Jolanta and Marcy even say that I’m pretty much the best friend she’s probably ever had and just In general I’m a great friend, and I’m not trying to sound conceited and shit, but seriously I can agree. Who went out looking for her at 12 am, who had to make my sister get up and drive me to get her ass TWICE down town? I did. Who covers up for her ass when she lies to her mom about where she’s actually going? I do. Who’s there to listen to her when she’s upset? I am. Who would do ANYTHING for her? I would. I would take a bullet for this fucking girl, but now… I’m not so sure. If I did and survived… would she care? What if I took it and died? Would she care? I mean she doesn’t seem to mind or care what she’s doing right now, so I doubt she will care about me if I died or whatever. What she’s doing right now, it feels like I’ve been shot in every part of my body. Just shot over and over again. I wrote this poem about her… it’s as nice as I could make it…


Dagger in hand, cut deep in my wrist, with every lie you’ve told, my bleeding exists. Hurt in my heart; you don’t care to notice how you’ve become a vine with thorns upon them, wrapped tightly around me, around my heart, with every deceit I slowly fall apart. Knife in hand stabbing my back, I’m thrown down like a criminal on the ground, the weight of a thousand lies and back stabs, ignorance and heartless actions, I’m held down unable to get up. Yet through all this pain I don’t seem to give up. You’ve put me in your shadow no matter how hard I tried to help you, show you the way, been a good friend, somewhere along the way you lost your head, mindset disappearance, ignorance is bliss to you. You live your life on a fucking lie; you drag me down with you. How can you look me in the eyes and say you love me, you’ll be there when I need you, how can you call me your friend after everything you’ve done to me? I lay awake in my bed, tossing and turning, tears run down my cheeks while you’re fast asleep. I don’t understand how you don’t care? How can you compare how I feel? How are you not ashamed? Tie me down cut me open, you’ve ripped each bone out unbroken. Cut my heart into pieces, let the bloodshed around me. How can you stand to look at me? I feel so torn, so hurt it’s unbelievable, all I asked was for you to be un-deceitful. Give me your heart, and I’ll give you mine. You know how I am, you know I can’t stand the lies, yet you still choose to do them, even knowing how I am. I thought I knew you, understood who you were. I thought we were best friends. I thought a lot of things. I thought you could change, I thought maybe soon you would realize my pain. But you’re so cleverly blinded by the fake and it hurts me to see you walk this way. I wish I didn’t have to say I’m done with you, but that’s the truth. I can’t take you’re lies, you’re games, my heart can only hold so much pain. Slice my throat, throw me off a bridge, my head hits the floor, making the concrete show what’s left of my body that you’ve destroyed. Cuts, scrapes, bruises, invisible… I wish you could see what you’ve truly done to me. I just wish you could actually listen and maybe see… but who am I kidding it’s all a dream. You’ll never change and you’ll never notice. You’ll never care, and how I know this? You couldn’t even answer a phone call, couldn’t text me back. Couldn’t say you were sorry, show some heart. But you’re a heartless girl, living a heartless life. Heartless lies, you speak with no price on what you will lose, don’t care for what you do, as long as you get what you want. Well I hope you’re happy with what you’ve done. I hope you’re proud of the decision you made. Dagger in hand. Cut deep in my wrist. With every lie you’ve told. My bleeding exists. Hurt in my heart; you don’t care to notice. How you’ve become a vine with thorns upon them. Wrapped tightly around me. Around my heart. With every deceit. I slowly… fall apart.


I don’t feel like typing anymore. I have to go to work at 3:30 and I haven’t slept so i’m just going to go take my like 2 hour nap, that’s if I can even fall asleep… and get ready and go to work. I wonder if Alisha will call me, or message me on facebook. Haha, she’ll probably be like “what’s your problem” or say she’s sorry and make up some bullshit. I’m seriously done with her though. I can’t have a friend like her anymore. All she does is hurt me and it took me until today to realize this. Yeah she’s made me laugh and happy and whatever… but her wrongs over see her rights. I have Jolanta and Marcy… people that seem to actually care about me, and actually want me around. We’ll see what happens; I’ll keep you lurkers updated. Peace.

Labels: Alisha, friends, life

Time for change, it starts now, so put some knee pads on because I will be falling down. Hands on the concrete, pull myself up, you can try your hardest to keep me down but I will get back up. I'll be weak, ashamed and embarrassed, tears will flow, but in the end I will know. I will be strong on this journey on my own, get up, try again, no need to stay on the floor. It’s hard I know, my feet hurt from this rugged road. Some days with shoes, I walk with pride, other times I’m low but in the end I'm finding out who I am with each hit to the floor.

- Tamar Naalabandian.

Updates:

• My boyfriend slept over my house this weekend, it was AWESOME! I fucking love him.


• My "best friend" and I are having a lot of problems.


• My mom went to the hospital again?


• My work is being GAY, they like never call me in for work -_-'


• My mom said she was going to talk to her work to see if I can start working there, better pay, I'm cool with it :D


• My dad got the Iphone and he's losing his fucking mind with it LMAOOO

Labels: job, life, poems, updates

Okay I was suppose to make this like the day it happen but I was really tired and lazy so I’m making it today. Bassically this whore that I hate with a passion and of given the chance to kill I would :) I wrote on her ex-boyfriends wall on facebook saying:

“You know why? Because that whore made you fucking ani-social keeping you to herself and I don't give a FUCK Suneel I'll say it. Instead of her trying to make up with all of us so we could ALL chill together and have your friends beside you, she keeps you to her. Pathetic. We need to chill this summer, I never see my friends during the summer and that's definitely going to change, so we need to chill lol.“

And obviously she saw it and talked to me on msn and this is the conversation we had:

Her : okay honestly tamar, im sitting her wondering why you hate me so much, i don't ever remember doing anything to you. i know i did shit to alisha and we patched things up and she forgave me so HONESENTLYYY what is your problem?

Me: Listen you had all the time in the fucking world to talk to me, yet you choice to talk to me over msn because your clearly a pussy. You say you have something to say to me say it to my face yet when we do you run away like a little bitch.
Don’t talk to me, I fucking hate you.
It's as simple as that, I don’t know how much more clear i can make it.,

her: k clearly you don't even have a reason to be mad at me
beacuse if you did then you would have said it

Me: LOL
okay. I have many reasons to hate you.
You’re a stuck up
2 faced
ignorant bitc
bitch*

her: HOW
i bet you dun even know what that means

Me: sorry I was on the phone, need I go on?
Oh lol

her: oh the phone with who doing what?

Me: Okay, so because I dont do my homework and get bad grades, doesnt mean im stupid sonia
What are you my mother?
Like I was saying.
Im just lazy not stupid,
Your rude.

Her: what does that have ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS

Me: BECAUSE I WASNT ANSWERING VERY FAST
anyways.
Your rude, ignorant, 2 faced, stuck up, everything always has to be about you,
And seriously i could go on.
But I'm not wasting my time on you I have better things to do.

Her: k im not guna sit her and listen to this cause im CLEARLY better than this and CLEARLY guna get somewhere in life

Me: You're pathetic and I hate you so end of story.

Her: i dun need this, i need did need this so goodbye

me: Lol told you, you run away from your problems

Now I don’t really care about us talking and I didn’t get upset about it, it just annoyed the FUCK out of me when she said “i bet you dun even know what that means” Okay just because my grades aren’t the best and I slack and I’m pretty much a lazy person when it comes to homework and school, does not mean I am a fucking idiot. What I stated first off was common sense, how fucking stupid do you need to be to not know what ignorant means or whatever I said. Which is funny because what I said was not even half the things I think or was thinking about her and like…fuck I can’t even explain. She’s the fucking idiot for saying what she said, I am not a dumb ass, I can get 70’s and 80 if I wanted to I’m just lazy. I hate it when people look down on me because of the way I act and my grades, the way I look. It’s like comparing me to a dog. Golden Retrievers are pretty much known to be the nicest, most patient dogs out there…well from what I know… but just because of their size, there looked down on, people think there vicious or that the dog will bite you and shit. Pip bulls too. There known for being fighting dogs, they look intense and scary and if you go near it, it will attack but that’s not always true. It is the owners fault for not raising it properly when it was a puppy. Now for humans, “Goths, punks, emo’s, gangsters” look intense and scary and whatever but in reality should we look down on them just because of their appearance? Well maybe gangsters LMAO… but you get the point. She looks down on me because I’m bad I school, I get myself into trouble and I look, not to sounds al big and bad, I look bad ass. It’s just a fact my friends have told me and because of this, she thinks I’m stupid and I’m not getting anywhere in life, which is funny because I actually have a plan I desperately want to fulfill. Do whatever it takes and finish high school, in a year or 2 when I have the money, go to college for art and live my life. I am a nice person, I am, but when I hate you I will be a bitch. And another thing, she fucking says all that yet my spelling is like perfect. Words are spelt right, grammar is pretty good and whatever, but there she is making mistakes and whatever. Whole point is, don’t look down on someone because of the way they act and whatever, they could have problems in their life that make them the way they are, they might need some help, inspiration I mean. It’s true when they say “don’t judge a book by its cover” because seriously, you never know the story inside. It takes a little patience to open it up and understand it. So yeah last thought, if she ever comes up to me to talk I will beat the shit out of her proudly :) peace out.

Labels: life, randoms, school