My name is Tamar, I'm 16 and this is where I say what I want to say you dumb African
"Life it’s self is only a vision, a dream, nothing exists in an empty space. And you... you are nothing but a thought. "

Hey everyone, or whoever is reading which is probably no one lol.
Anyways, things have been pretty rough with me lately, and I’m getting to the point where I just don’t know what I want, who I want, and what the fuck I’m going to be doing with my life anymore. Things are so difficult with Sarkis that I’m literally losing my mind. To update you on a little secret, there’s, again, another person who “wants” me. The whole thing with Chris was, not a mistake, but nothing real. Anyways, this person actually does want to be with me and he’s kind of growing on me. He’s pretty nice and sweet but like… I’m really not ready for another relationship and we’ve gotten to the point where I’m too far in where I can’t say leave me alone… he’s falling for me… well that’s what he tells me and it scares me because I don’t want to break anyone’s heart. I’ve done it to too many people and I’m sick of it. I want to get my life in order. I want to just stop with everyone, cut myself off from people and just focus on me and my needs but like, every time I try to do it, people keep coming into my life and it’s driving me nuts. I want to fix myself. I want to learn how to be calmer, nicer, more respectful, more trusting, I want to get my school done, I have to finish that, I’m slacking and it’s not good. I need to get my shit together, I’ve put other people before me for way too fucking long, and to be honest I’m sick of it. I want to be selfish for once; I want it to be all about me. I really don’t care if I look like an attention whore, but you know what, I don’t get a lot of attention, I don’t seek it and I don’t live my life on it, and for once it would be nice to have some. It would be nice for me to think about what I want and what I need. I think I’m going to have to talk to these two people and tell them this. I need to stop hiding my feelings and my heart… it’s time to be honest and to be honest, I need this before anything. If I have to break hearts to change myself for the better, I guess I’m going to have too. I need me right now, no one else. I’m going to change my life. This semester is going to be all about me. I’m going to get all my work done, keep myself isolated from everyone until I’m “better”… like I’ll still talk to people in class, I just won’t get close to them, I’m going to stick with my friends, stick to my homework, stick to fixing my life. I need to do this for myself. I want a future, I want my life to be amazing, I want to go to college for the visual arts and photography, I want to become a great photography, travel the world taking pictures, have them out in the world, make great money taking pictures. Art is all I have and it’s all I’m good at. Art is what is keeping me going, what’s keeping me alive. It’s time for a change and I mean it.

RATxo