My name is Tamar, I'm 16 and this is where I say what I want to say you dumb African
"Life it’s self is only a vision, a dream, nothing exists in an empty space. And you... you are nothing but a thought. "

I don’t want to go into details right now, I’m tired. I’ve been up all night again, this time because I was thinking about my once best friend Alisha. Yesterday we were suppose to chill, we had it all planed out. During the day Jolanta texts me and asks me to come out, I’m like sure I’ll come chill, I’ll bring Alisha and we can all chill like we used to. But then she tells me how she spent the night at Elysia’s house and how her mom wants her to stay home. I was pissed but I’m like fuck it whatever I’m not going to let this bug me because really, I’ve pretty much gotten used to her flopping on me. After a while me, Jolanta, and Marcy were drinking and were all buzzing and shit so we go too west wood cause we needed to get cash back and shit and were walking through food basic and I see Alisha’s mom so I say Hi and then her mom comes out of her cash and asks me where Alisha is, I say she’s not with me, then she asks “oh, did she just leave?” I’m like “No, she was never with us or me.” her mom got a little worried and shit and basically it seemed like her mom was letting her go out. And seriously Alisha is allowed to go out anywhere when she says she’s going to be with me, so I don’t understand why Alisha has to be a fucking bitch and lying. Whatever back to the point, after we talked a little more, I can’t remember the conversation right now, but we leave and I’m like “Okay so basically she’s allowed to be out, so I’m going to text her and see if she’s at home” I text, no answer, so I call, many, many times. Tell me why once I FINALLY get an answer, Daniel (her boyfriend) answers the fucking phone. After that I was just pissed. After a while of detail I’m not getting into lol, we walk to Alisha’s house. Me, Jo, and Marcy. We get there and guess what. THE BITCH ISN’T FUCKING THERE. I call her cell again, and again Daniel answers the phone and he said how she was with him and she’s waiting on the other side of the park for him, I ask the one behind Elysia’s house and he says yes. I say thanks and whatever and hang up. After a while I get a text from her saying how he came to her house and there just going for a walk or whatever. Like I don’t understand why she’s still lying to me. After a long ass time I see in Elysia’s statues on Facebook “I know Alisha wants to guzzle my gas” or something like that. So clearly she was with her. While I was still with Jolanta and Marcy I tried to call her, I texted her. She sent nothing back to me. That’s basically it I guess. But you guys have no idea how hurt I am. I can’t stop crying, or thinking about it. I treat her with so much respect and love and I care. I try and help her, I’m there through EVERYTHING I’M the one who’s there and this is how she treats me. Lies to my face even though she KNOWS I hate it. Like I’m balling my eyes out right now trying this because it just hurts so much. I don’t understand what she’s thinking or what she’s doing and it hurts so god damn much. Jolanta and Marcy even say that I’m pretty much the best friend she’s probably ever had and just In general I’m a great friend, and I’m not trying to sound conceited and shit, but seriously I can agree. Who went out looking for her at 12 am, who had to make my sister get up and drive me to get her ass TWICE down town? I did. Who covers up for her ass when she lies to her mom about where she’s actually going? I do. Who’s there to listen to her when she’s upset? I am. Who would do ANYTHING for her? I would. I would take a bullet for this fucking girl, but now… I’m not so sure. If I did and survived… would she care? What if I took it and died? Would she care? I mean she doesn’t seem to mind or care what she’s doing right now, so I doubt she will care about me if I died or whatever. What she’s doing right now, it feels like I’ve been shot in every part of my body. Just shot over and over again. I wrote this poem about her… it’s as nice as I could make it…


Dagger in hand, cut deep in my wrist, with every lie you’ve told, my bleeding exists. Hurt in my heart; you don’t care to notice how you’ve become a vine with thorns upon them, wrapped tightly around me, around my heart, with every deceit I slowly fall apart. Knife in hand stabbing my back, I’m thrown down like a criminal on the ground, the weight of a thousand lies and back stabs, ignorance and heartless actions, I’m held down unable to get up. Yet through all this pain I don’t seem to give up. You’ve put me in your shadow no matter how hard I tried to help you, show you the way, been a good friend, somewhere along the way you lost your head, mindset disappearance, ignorance is bliss to you. You live your life on a fucking lie; you drag me down with you. How can you look me in the eyes and say you love me, you’ll be there when I need you, how can you call me your friend after everything you’ve done to me? I lay awake in my bed, tossing and turning, tears run down my cheeks while you’re fast asleep. I don’t understand how you don’t care? How can you compare how I feel? How are you not ashamed? Tie me down cut me open, you’ve ripped each bone out unbroken. Cut my heart into pieces, let the bloodshed around me. How can you stand to look at me? I feel so torn, so hurt it’s unbelievable, all I asked was for you to be un-deceitful. Give me your heart, and I’ll give you mine. You know how I am, you know I can’t stand the lies, yet you still choose to do them, even knowing how I am. I thought I knew you, understood who you were. I thought we were best friends. I thought a lot of things. I thought you could change, I thought maybe soon you would realize my pain. But you’re so cleverly blinded by the fake and it hurts me to see you walk this way. I wish I didn’t have to say I’m done with you, but that’s the truth. I can’t take you’re lies, you’re games, my heart can only hold so much pain. Slice my throat, throw me off a bridge, my head hits the floor, making the concrete show what’s left of my body that you’ve destroyed. Cuts, scrapes, bruises, invisible… I wish you could see what you’ve truly done to me. I just wish you could actually listen and maybe see… but who am I kidding it’s all a dream. You’ll never change and you’ll never notice. You’ll never care, and how I know this? You couldn’t even answer a phone call, couldn’t text me back. Couldn’t say you were sorry, show some heart. But you’re a heartless girl, living a heartless life. Heartless lies, you speak with no price on what you will lose, don’t care for what you do, as long as you get what you want. Well I hope you’re happy with what you’ve done. I hope you’re proud of the decision you made. Dagger in hand. Cut deep in my wrist. With every lie you’ve told. My bleeding exists. Hurt in my heart; you don’t care to notice. How you’ve become a vine with thorns upon them. Wrapped tightly around me. Around my heart. With every deceit. I slowly… fall apart.


I don’t feel like typing anymore. I have to go to work at 3:30 and I haven’t slept so i’m just going to go take my like 2 hour nap, that’s if I can even fall asleep… and get ready and go to work. I wonder if Alisha will call me, or message me on facebook. Haha, she’ll probably be like “what’s your problem” or say she’s sorry and make up some bullshit. I’m seriously done with her though. I can’t have a friend like her anymore. All she does is hurt me and it took me until today to realize this. Yeah she’s made me laugh and happy and whatever… but her wrongs over see her rights. I have Jolanta and Marcy… people that seem to actually care about me, and actually want me around. We’ll see what happens; I’ll keep you lurkers updated. Peace.

Labels: Alisha, friends, life