My name is Tamar, I'm 16 and this is where I say what I want to say you dumb African
"Life it’s self is only a vision, a dream, nothing exists in an empty space. And you... you are nothing but a thought. "

(This is going to be a long post)
So I haven’t posted in a long ass time and for a while I’ve been pretty depressed and I think if I’m not going to talk to people around me, I’ll write it here, I mean it helped before maybe it’ll help now because for one thing it’s annoying my boyfriend, me being like this, and second I just don’t want to be this person anymore. I don’t want to always be so angry… depressed…sad always so down and negative. I do hate it and I realized… I get it from my father a little bit. And honestly I do not want to grow up and be like him…or my mother… I don’t want to be like any of them, I want to be me.
Updates<

• Schools out and I pretty much failed everything, so I fail at life.


• Got massively sun burnt on Friday, 26th, 2009 at Wasaga Beach.


• First day of work was on Saturday, 27th, 2009 12-6. Worked with a sunburn, it was hard.


• Me and my so called “best friend” are falling apart and it looks like I’m the only one who’s noticed or even cared


• I am falling more In love with my boyfriend.

And that’s all I got so far really lol, nothing interesting has really happened yet. Okay so I want to post up the other poems and what not’s that I have written so in case something happens to this new facebook, I still have them all here. So here are the rest of them, and yeah I know I don’t have titles for them but I eventually will…well one or two have tittles… Anyways here are the ones you didn’t know about:

Sudden Injury:
Bam, bam, bam, bam nothing more than another slam, headaches that kill and lights that blind, noises that never end and eyes that cry. It’s a never ending cycle of pain in my mind, everyday is another war to fight it away with every force I have in my body, but as the days go by, the pain increases, my body gets weaker and my mind decreases. I’m losing hope that this will ever go away, they’ll always be here to stay. Can’t stand it I want to blow my brains. Pounding in the corner of my brain, like a stab to the face replayed. I want to scream to show how much it hurts, but my vocal cords, they don’t seem to work. In a dark room, under my blankets, curled up like a ball, I try to fake it. Make myself think that it’s all in my head, nothing will work to release this pressure, I wish I was dead. Bam, bam, bam, bam, nothing more than another slam, headaches that kill…I wish it were real.
- Tamar Naalabandian

(Untitled)
So what if I'm a little loud and never quiet?
So what if I chew with my mouth open at times?
So what If I lie, but understand why you don’t believe me?
So what if I’m always out of order?
So what if I don’t follow the rules?
So what if I dance in the rain, and I don’t care what you say?
So what if I’m living my own way?
So what if I’m odd?
Uneven, Unnatural, Disorder, Confused, Unreal, Sadistic, Ballistic, Schizophrenia twisted, Bipolar, Insomniac, nothing close to your religion?
Feeding off the evils that fight in my mind, confusion starts to blind my eyes,
Dizziness takes over as I start to suffocate,
Words that don’t seem to spill out these chapped, cut lips,
Screaming out for help but I’m thrown into a room that seems to have impenetrable walls,
No one hears me. Sees me. It’s like I’m a ghost, believe me.
I'm all alone to fight this fight in my mind that seems to be so much more.
So what if I walk like you should be scared of me?
So what if I don’t tell you what’s really going on with me?
So what if I don’t trust you?
So what if I don’t want you?
So what if I run away from all that scares me?
So what if my mind is always racing?
So what if I wear what I want to wear?
So what if I laugh to loud?
So what if I act kind of snobby?
So what if I’m an ignorant bitch?!
It doesn’t change the fact that I’m showing who you are?
Does it bother you to see what you are, what you’ve become?
Eyes in mine it’s like looking at a mirror, haunting isn’t it?
I taunt you as you start to fear, lack of respect for all that surrounds you,
Acting like your big and that we should all love you
Secretly you hate yourself so you bring it out on me, just remember bitch you ain’t scarin’ me. I’ll throw it in your face, run and chase you, down the street.
I'm tough because I’m weak
I’m scared because I’m fearless
I’m smart because I’m stupid
I fail because I succeed
I know because I’ve done it
I try cause I can do it
I love because I am loved
I care because I’ve been careless
I am who I am and no one is going to change that, but bitch you better step back before I smack you up.
-Tamar Naalabandian.

Torn:
What seems to me is a reoccurring theme that seems to take over what you see in me.
And I’m sorry to say, but this love is all fake.
I’ll be the first one to let go of all these lies that were never untold.
I’m torn within my heart, laying here wishing it could start,
But it looks like I will just have to take it all in,
Live with it on my back and never turn around and say I regret what I did.
Your voice is unheard and what seemed to be heaven was lit under a torch.
And now I’m stuck standing here with nothing but dust
Dark memories of the happy times we once had,
I’m lost between what I’ve found and all that I have.
Too many voices telling me which way to go, and what to do
Sick of it all, I’m torn.
Torn between the two.
-Tamar Naalabandian.

Um alright so those are my other poems. Anyways so I had a rough day today…woke up pissed and what not and to make it worse I dropped my sprit all over my desk today and half of it went into my key board and my key board got all fucked up and doesn’t work anymore so I’m pretty much stuck with this apple one until we can find a better one or until we buy a new one. And on top of that again, cause apparently I cause all the problems, because I was mad I yelled at my bf a little bit then we got all emotional and again if I don’t change and if I’M the one who doesn’t make an effort it’s going to be bad. So again I have to do whatever I can to make him happy. Whatever, basically we were both crying on the phone and he was telling me how much of a fucking douche I am for always being so sad and how I can change and whatever and I understand, I get it, but he is right when he says I’m not as strong as he is. I am weak when it comes to this. For so long I’ve been put down, thrown under dirt and been treated like shit, worthless, like I’m nothing… and I tried so hard to fake my smiles and be happy but living in my home it’s not so easy. I tried, I failed, I gave up. I don’t want to lose him so again I have to bring on the fakeness and pretend I’m this happy ass person just too keep him with me, basically. Maybe all the pretending will eventually make me happy… then again there is the fact that my parents have made me anti-social by basically not letting me out with friends and not allowing me to meet people, but I think because they FINALLY let me date Sarkis that it’s been loosened up a little bit, and now with my job and having to interact with people on a regular basis might help me as well, and that’s a good feeling…so soon enough I will no longer have to pretend because I actually really love my job lol. I had SO much fun doing it and I picked it up sp easily. But anyways…I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens. Just know I do love him…I am in love with my boyfriend and I meant no offence to him so don’t be all gay with me. Anyways that’s all I can really think of to talk about so yeah I’m going to end this, not only because of that reason but because this keyboard is PISSING ME OFF ;8 lol, later.

xoRAT

Labels: Alisha, blogs, boyfriend, family, friends, job, life, poems, randoms, work