My name is Tamar, I'm 16 and this is where I say what I want to say you dumb African
"Life it’s self is only a vision, a dream, nothing exists in an empty space. And you... you are nothing but a thought. "

is it normal to have this much hate for yourself? the amount of hate i have for myself kind of scares me at times. I always find something new about me that i hate. Always. At times i seriously can't stand it. I'm happy at one moment, then the next I'm all depressed because i find something wrong. Is this normal? am i crazy? contemplating on myself everyday is starting to get my annoyed. I'm sick of growing up, everything just gets more confusing and i question everything i do. I'm worried about so much and have so much on me.. is it normal to be this way? i don't understand it. People say I'm so pretty, and gorgeous, and hot,sexy,cute, adorable and all that other shit, but i can't see it. It's so hard for me to see it. Once in a blue moon I'll actually be like "wow i do look nice today" "i actually fee beautiful today" no, i can't i can never say it. I feel disgusting all the time and i can't take it. Sometimes i sit and think about my suicide attempts and wished they worked. Wish i just died. left this earth. I've tried so many times, and it ever worked. Honestly it enrages me to know i could of died but didn't. it seriously pisses me off. I don't know why...why do i feel nasty all the time? why am i like this, i can't stand it. I cant take it anymore I always have these urges to just get up and cut. But i hold back. I fight it and i dont... its so hard..it gets so hard sometimes. but i can't kill myself now. Why? because of one person. I can't leave her. But why..why do i always look upon the bad in my life, in my home, in my world? i know other people have it harder and all. But what can i say, were a selfish race of people, i can honestly say, i don't care about what other people are going through though, and mean it. and by that i mean family problems, not starving kids and shit, i care for that. If someone has an abusive family, and i don't know them, i don't care. because its. not. me. I know it's rude but seriously think about it. Do you HONESTLY care for the people being abused right now, or do you just think of yourself, and your own problems?.... exactly. You know its true. Whatever. I don't know. I think I'm bi-polar. Like i honestly do. Theres definitely something wrong with me. And i do deserve to be in a mental institution.
my thoughts and feelings for the night.


xoRAT

Labels: cuts, life